It was just after lunch one warm day in high school and I couldn’t resist to indulge in one of my favorite snacks back then in my less healthy eating days…a fat bag of peanut M&M’s! It’s something I had done many times with great pleasure, but this time things would be different…something would happen with this bag that would impact the rest of my life.
What could be so profound about a simple bag of candy? Let me finish the story and I’ll show you how this experience created for me what I think is the perfect analogy for explaining what men really want in women, and reveal how the process of becoming attracted to a women and ultimately falling in love all works for men. I know…I know! It’s a lot to deduce from some silly M&M’s, but here we go…
On this particular day, as I came to the last peanut M&M something shocking happened. I tilted the M&M bag up and into my mouth the last candy went. As I proceeded to take what I anticipated to be a joyous delicious bite, everything was fine…at first….the nice candy coated shell, the milk chocolate…so far so good. However, as I made my way to the peanut at the core, the most foul and rancid taste you could imagine permeated my entire mouth to my utter disgust. “Blaaaahhhhh!” Out came all of it spewing from my mouth as though my very life depended on me getting this wretched abomination of a flavor as far from my taste buds as possible! It was truly awful! I was the lucky one to get a rotten peanut!
And this has everything to do with love and relationships because…
For us men, we experience attraction in a different way than women typically do. Our primal instincts push us to respond with sexual arousal to what can be termed physical “replication value”. Replication value can be explained as qualities in the opposite sex that indicate that a person would be a viable mate…someone that can bear healthy children in the case of men seeking women. Yes, there is more to it, but we are talking about the surface first impression experience at this point…the physical. For a man, qualities that represent replication value are very much physically based initially. We see a women with large breasts, clear skin, clear beautiful eyes, healthy hair, nice hips, ass, etc. Each one of these attributes can be connected to replication value. For example, nice hips really means the woman has plenty of room to bear a child with reduced health risk. Nice hair is a sign of good hygiene and an indication of deeper inner health (although modern hair care can fake this result and mask inner issues…but that’s a subject for another day). Now granted, guys don’t go around literally thinking these things to themselves – they just see a nice ass and the primal lizard part of their brains releases a chemical cocktail that makes them want to have sex. Physical replication value results in initial sexual attraction for men.
So going back to the M&M’s…Let’s call this initial primal sexual attraction that men experience the “Candy Coated Shell”. You can also call it your outward appearance as a woman. See where I’m going with this now?
Next comes the “Milk Chocolate”. This is where our human emotions and worldviews comes into play. When a man begins to spend actual time with a woman and start to get to know her the attraction is either reinforced by her personality or eroded by her lack of it…according to his particular tastes. “Do you have anything in common? Are you needy or clingy? Does your worldview agree of conflict with mine?” If there is no connection, then the guy will grow distant and withdraw. As a woman, you will not be able to connect with him on a deeper level and you will know it…perhaps much to your frustration if you really like him.
So what is the “Peanut” then? This is the heart. This is the soul and can only be truly apparent with time and effort invested between two people. This is the seemingly illusive “deep connection” that all humans desire. Soul mates, true love, whatever you wish to call it. It’s what makes you know beyond all doubt that this person is 100% able to be trusted with your heart. It’s the most important quality for lasting relationships.
When I tasted that foul peanut back in high school that day, I was suddenly unable to taste anything else that I so loved about it. The taste of the candy coated shell or even the milk chocolate was not enough to mask the candy’s deeper inner “issues”. This is how I experience women now. The beauty may make me want to take a bite, but if I do I must also find deeper qualities I like or her beauty will quickly become ineffective at keeping my attention on its own.
The difference between men and women…
If men see women like peanut M&M’s, then how do women see men? Men can still have the candy coated shell, the milk chocolate, and the peanut at the heart just like women. However, women, being the amazing gender you are, come equipped with sophisticated equipment and testing techniques to see right through the candy coated shell and into the inner layers of a man. While a woman may enjoy looking at the candy coated shell, she is much more likely to NOT take a bite based on that alone. She will need to do some testing first, turn on the x-ray vision, and make certain that she likes what’s underneath the shell before she takes a bite. Unevolved men on the other hand can be a bit blinded by the candy coated shell and not find out the inner layers are not to their tastes until they’ve already taken that first bite. Smart men learn to do what women do and prequalify a women by getting to know her deeper first and not giving in to pure desire for that candy coated shell.
My advice to women that want real connection and no games…
Are you happy in your life…right now? Do you have the job or career you want or are you just making money somewhere because it’s a job? Outside of any relationship, do you feel like what you spend your time doing is truly serving your life’s purpose and leaves you fulfilled? Do you have goals and dreams and are you actively pursuing them? Do you feel amazing about yourself and your life because of who you are as a person and the positive influence you have on those around you?
If you find yourself answering “no” to any of those questions don’t beat yourself up…it’s normal. However, just realize that no man or relationship will ever take up the slack in your life. A relationship will not fix you or save you from self-work you are not willing to take personal responsibility for. As a matter of fact, your current relationships will tend to match where you are energetically in your life. If you are unfulfilled in your life and not at least actively doing something about it, then the men you attract will likely be in similar positions…and even if they aren’t, they may lose attraction for you in time because they want to be able to connect with someone on their energetic level or higher. Evolved men seeking real connection want their women to inspire them and lift them up. They want a warm heart to relax into when things get tough. Real women are amazing beings that magnify a man’s potential…and he her’s. A relationship should be energetically synergistic…one plus one is greater than the two.
If you have high expectations for yourself and your life as a women, then you will repel men that lack ambition, leadership qualities, and that don’t have open hearts ready to love. You will instead become an amazing magnet for quality men that have the power to open you up to new possibilities.
Moral of the story.
Respect yourself as a divine woman. Let you inner qualities outshine your candy coated shell! Real men will show up when you do. Work on yourself as a women…it’s ok to not be perfect…just be moving in the right direction. Whatever qualities you think you demand in a man, first ask if you possess them yourself. The man that has those qualities will desire them in you too. Now go love yourself and be loved!
Quite a lot from a peanut M&M huh…with love.
Photo Credit: Jeff Nelson